Monday, August 24, 2009
Defining Myself
What defines who we are? Is it the clothes we wear? The t.v. shows we watch? The people we know? The talents we have? What sets us apart from others? For most of my life, what set me apart was my religion: Mormon. Mormonism is more than a religion, however, it's also a culture- a way of life. Being Mormon always affected my decisions: from what to eat or drink to what I could wear. Restrictions are said to give you freedom but what good is that freedom if you're not living? And so this season of change, this "new journey" I'm on may seem to some like "a series of unfortunate events" but to me it is "the first steps of the journey." I'm leaving behind the Mormon identity and moving forward hoping to rediscover myself: my true self. In the few short weeks that I have been traveling this path I'm happier, more relaxed, more at peace than ever before. It appears I was so insecure for so long because I was trying to be something I wasn't born to be. I was an imposter-- always nervous about when, how, where, and by whom I would get caught. I don't want to spend my life being a fake. I want to live a sincere, truthful, happy life and up until now I was struggling to find that. So now that my religion no longer defines me, what will? I'm hoping it will be the way I raise and teach my children to be positive contributions to their community. Perhaps I'll be defined by how I treat my friends, my loved ones, my neighbors and even strangers passing by. Maybe I'll be defined by my best traits: honest, loyal, sincere, and courageous. I can only hope and pray.
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From One Mess...
..to another
Last Day of Pre-K
First Day of Pre-K
"Like a Big Pizza Pie...."
Lemonade Stand
Father's Day
Productivity
June 8-???
Reading
Ice cream
Incentives
Kaitlyn, I grew to love you as a friend not because of how you defined yourself but because of how you, yourself, actually were. I care about you because you are honest, loyal, sincere, and courageous, and I've been able to see that those things about you won't change, regardless of what other decisions you make or however else you choose to define yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of Marrianne Williamson's quote about inadequacy. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world..." (I like the rest of the quote too, but that's the part you reminded me of most.)
Our lives really are journeys, and we all need to travel different paths to learn and experience those things we need to help us progress and achieve our full potential. I feel privilaged to be your friend and to share some of your journey with you so that I can learn and grow from you.
I found this post to be interesting, but a bit confusing. It seems that one of your big complaints with the religion of your upbringing are the dress standards and the Dietary Guidelines. I can undertand this, but just before that, you said that those things shouldn't define who you are. If this is true, then why do those standards bother you so much? If they don't matter, they shouldn't hold you back from being who you "really are" at all. Mormonism promotes modesty, chastity, and good health habits (no smoking, drinking, use of recreational drugs, etc.) - does following these standards really hold you back from anything besides certain clothing fashions, exposure to STD's and poor health? You don't need to be Mormon to see the health benefits of following the word of wisdom. The comment - "what good is that freedom if you're not living?" also strikes me as odd when you apply it to the rest of your post. Do modesty standards, chastity and health guidelines really prevent us from "living"? Are we really missing out on so much of life if we don't wear tank tops and have a cigarette and/or beer when we get home? Just a thought...
ReplyDeleteTo clarify, my decision to leave the church wasn't about wanting to wear tank tops, smoke a cigarette or enjoy a hot cup of coffee or an ice cold lager. I was merely pointing out that the church controlled several aspects of my life. The Mormon Church teaches its members that there is only one way to be happy, to live your life, and then ultimately return to live with God. But how can this be so when for so long I've been unhappy trying to live the way the church expects me to? Leaving the church is about making decisions based on what I think or feel or believe- not what I'm supposed to think or feel or believe. I'm not a mission to convince others to leave the church. I know it brings happiness to a lot of people. I'm happy for my friends and family that have found peace and happiness in the church. I hope those same friends and family can accept that I've discovered happiness outside of the church. Anyway, I didn't want to get into a lot of debating with this blog. I'm grateful for the responses I've had over the past week. I know so many of you care, and I'm touched.
ReplyDeleteI obviously posted this comment before we had our conversation, and this is the exact reason that I brought up the topic at your house - to understand your decision. I am glad to know that you don't plan to go around Mormon-bashing. I know people who have left the church who have done that, and it is one of the most hurtful forms of betrayal. I am also glad that you are finding happiness right now in your life - as you said, the LDS way of life is not for everyone. I hope that your choice continues to bring you happiness, and that we can stay friends... :)
ReplyDeleteI was going to say that what defines us is our actions but I think what defines us is our reasoning behind our actions; Am I good mom because I want to show every one how awesome I am or because I love my children? Am I mormon because thats what everyone expects me to be or because I myself know its true?????? What do u think? Do our actions define us?
ReplyDeleteKatlyn, I respect your choice to leave the church..you have your own reasons just like I had/do have mine in my choice to leave the church. This could deffenetly turn into a huge debate.. but it should.. I'm just going to say we have our own reasons 2 do what we do.. "Had we been aware of the horrors which were to come, it is unlikely that we would have proceeded"~Sir Alastair Pilkington~ *1976 also there is a quote about don't throw rocks if your own windows will break... Both of those work in this situation.. Katlyn.. I'm here if u ever need 2 talk!
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