When my father was turning the big 5-0 my mother put together a surprise birthday party for him. When the guest list was being discussed she said something about "adults only" would be invited to the party. I was disappointed because I figured that I meant I couldn't go. Perhaps I should have told you that when my dad turned 50 I had been married for over a year. Although I was young, I was an adult.
Becoming an adult I feel has been a process for me. Even now with 3 children ages 1 through 5 and seven years of marriage "under my belt" so to speak, there are days I feel not a day over 17. And then the nice teenager at the grocery store calls me "ma'am." Ma'am? When did I become a ma'am instead of a miss? And reality crashes down on me. I may not be very old in age but my life and its surrounding elements and circumstances have aged me. At the ripe old age of 26 1/2 I have the life of a 35 year old... whatever that means.
So anyway, to the point I've got swimming around in my head... As a child and teenager I always felt obligated to explain myself. Whether it was things at school, home, or church I could never seem to do something, "just because." There always had to be a purpose, a meaning, a greater force driving me to do what I did. But now as an adult I'm wondering if is it necessary for me to explain EVERYTHING I do. Do I need to explain why I've decided to homeschool my children? Do I need to explain why I wasn't in church on Sunday? Do I need to explain why I don't want to attend my Mary Kay business training meetings? Do I need to explain why my 2 1/2 year old with Apraxia can't speak as well as the other kids his age? I'm inclined to think that explaining myself was something I did as a kid. Now as an adult, will there ever be a day I won't have to explain my every move? Be it big or small, explanations can take a lot out of you. I have so much being taken out of me on a daily basis, I don't know that I can offer much else.
I apologize for this post sounding perhaps like a huge complaint. My purpose however, (and here I go again, explaining myself) is to see if I'm alone in this train of thought. Am I being unreasonable?
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Kaitlyn, you never have to explain yourself. Your decisions about your life and children are yours and yours only (well, Mike's too, but you get the point). As long as you are making the best decision you can for you and your family, you shouldn't feel like you have to explain. You know your purpose and reason, and that's all that matters. Explain when you feel like someone needs to know, but don't worry about the rest.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to explain everything about your family, just like how I don't have to explain why I don't want to give Alex any more vaccines (don't know if we will or not, but I don't want to), why we don't punish, why Alex sleeps in our bedroom, and why I don't want to leave him in nursery with the scary nursery lady (good thing I get to be in nursery too). You're not alone.
You're not alone. I'm so tired of explaining and yet I still do it. Do they need to know why we only have one child after being married nearly ten years? Do they need to know why we can't go watch a movie/eat out/get a babysitter whenever we want? Do they need to know why I think Christmas is better minus Santa and plan on leaving Jolly old Saint Nick out of it? (trust me, that does NOT go over well with 99% of the population) Do they need to know why I'm scared of the nursery lady too Marnee! No, they don't need to know. Yet for some reason I feel like I must explain. I guess it's the fear of being judged wrongly or harshly that drives me. But really, why should I care? It's my life. I'm doing what's best for my husband and my son and you're doing what's best for your family. Now if only I could just say THAT. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Marnee and Naomi for the validation. I spoke with a friend on the phone yesterday that agreed as well. I'm glad my post was not taken negatively... just simply sharing some real honest and raw thoughts and feelings. "That's what these tests are for" (The Grince: Jim Carrey version!)
ReplyDeleteI'm also with Naomi on leaving Santa out of Christmas. Ask me how that goes once we get closer, though. :) It's hard making decisions that seem so different from what everyone is used to, even if through study and prayer you've decided they're the right ones to make. Sometimes people will need to know our reasons why, but most of the time it doesn't matter.
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